


Hate and Love: Two Sides of the Same Coin

by auspicious_dragon



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:08:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28143630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auspicious_dragon/pseuds/auspicious_dragon
Summary: Everyone in the friend group likes Merlin Emrys.  Everyone, that is, except for Arthur Pendragon.  This is a story about how Merlin's and Arthur's relationship evolves.
Relationships: Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merthur
Comments: 13
Kudos: 88





	1. How the Relationship Starts

Everyone in the friend group liked Merlin Emrys. Everyone except for Arthur Pendragon.

“What is it with that weird guy?” Arthur huffed at his classmate and friend, Gwen. “I don’t get why he’s so popular. And why are he and Gwaine always together? It’s like they’re joined at the hip.” The two law students had just exited the large lecture hall where their Health Law class was held. The law school at Patrick Henry University was one of the best in the country.

“He’s a sweetheart, Arthur,” Gwen replied. “He’s so friendly—he always gives me a big smile and a cheery hello when he sees me. Gwaine loves the guy, said he’s brilliant.”

“Well, there’s no accounting for taste,” Arthur scowled. “I don’t get the attraction.”

“Well, I do. He’s a hottie,” Gwen insisted. “You should give him a chance. I bet you’d like him if you got to know him.”

“I doubt it,” Arthur responded, unconvinced. Something about Merlin Emrys bugged him—he didn’t know exactly what. All he knew was the guy made him uncomfortable.

*****

Merlin could sense that he rubbed Arthur Pendragon the wrong way. Sometimes he would catch the guy shooting him a look of disapproval. “I don’t know what his problem is,” Merlin thought to himself before shrugging it off. It was pretty awkward because he and Gwaine had gotten close, and Pendragon was one of Gwaine’s good friends. Merlin couldn’t understand why Gwaine liked the prat, but he kept his mouth shut.

Aside from their feelings about Pendragon, Gwaine and Merlin had a lot in common. Both men were grad students—Gwaine in Kinesiology, and Merlin in Clinical Psychology. When they were not busy studying, they enjoyed the same athletic activities—bicycling and swimming, and had similar taste in music, film and art. They both idolized John Mayer, agreeing that he was a “guitar god.” After Mayer started touring with former Grateful Dead members in the newly formed band, Dead and Company, Gwaine and Merlin went together to every concert within a 500-mile radius of the college town. They had become intimately familiar with the entire Grateful Dead catalogue and now proudly called themselves “Deadheads.”

Gwaine and Merlin met at the campus LGBTQ Center. Gwaine, who identified as bisexual, was immediately attracted to the tall, thin raven-haired gay man with the beautiful blue eyes. When he went over and introduced himself to Merlin, he was enchanted by the man’s soft, mellow voice and dazzling smile. They hit it off right away.

It wasn’t long before they became casual fuck buddies. Merlin thought Gwaine was one of the hottest guys he’d ever seen—with the body of an Abercrombie and Fitch model, for God’s sake, and looks to match. Merlin loved running his fingers through Gwaine’s luxurious chestnut locks and gazing into his soulful amber eyes. But he had no illusions about Gwaine being marriage material. Gwaine was a flirty player who wasn’t ready for commitment. And Merlin was perfectly content with their “friends with benefits” relationship. Merlin had a rather large sexual appetite, and Gwaine was an experienced and enthusiastic lover.

Gwaine gradually introduced Merlin to his group of friends. It was Merlin’s first semester at the university, but Gwaine had been an undergraduate at the school so he knew a lot of people on campus. He and Arthur had roomed together in their senior year. There was a fairly large group of friends who would get together every Friday night to drink and dance at a popular local bar called The Rising Sun. And someone usually hosted a big party on Saturday nights.

Merlin liked all of Gwaine’s friends except for Arthur. Everyone else had been warm and welcoming. Merlin recalled that when Gwaine introduced him to Arthur, the man uttered a curt “hello,” looked him up and down in a kind of mocking, judgmental way, and then abruptly turned away and started talking to the person sitting next to him. Merlin remembers feeling self-conscious in that moment, wondering if there was something wrong with his appearance. He let it go when other people at the table started being friendly and engaging him in conversation.

After that, Merlin did his best to avoid Arthur, but the man came to The Rising Sun every Friday night and to every Saturday night party. And Merlin really liked Arthur’s friend, Gwen. She was adorable and sweet. He always made a point of seeking her out, but only when she wasn’t with Arthur. They could talk about anything and everything. When Merlin and Gwen got together, they found themselves sharing life experiences and heartfelt emotions. Merlin had never before felt such an instant connection to another person. He wondered why she seemed to like Arthur. Maybe she was attracted to him. Merlin had to admit that Arthur was extremely handsome, with his gorgeous golden hair and startling blue eyes, and a body to rival Gwaine’s. But he had a shitty personality as far as Merlin was concerned.

Merlin loved hanging out with Gwaine at parties. The chestnut-haired hunk was extremely extroverted and physically affectionate, especially to Merlin. He would stand next to Merlin with his arm around the raven’s waist or shoulders. And after a few drinks he would occasionally give Merlin a kiss on the cheek. Once Merlin caught Arthur staring at him and Gwaine with an angry expression on his face. Merlin looked away quickly and figured that Arthur didn’t like the fact that Gwaine was obviously fond of him. And the next thought he had was “tough shit, fuck him.”

Merlin also sensed that Arthur didn’t like him talking to Gwen or to Gwen’s best friend Morgana. He thought he felt Arthur’s glare whenever he conversed with the young women, and he wondered if he was being paranoid. Gwen had introduced Merlin to Morgana, and they got along right away. Morgana was a social worker who worked with troubled teens, and she was very interested in Merlin’s aspirations to be a clinical psychologist. They spent most of their time together talking about mental and emotional health. 

Merlin was surprised to learn that Morgana was Arthur’s half-sister. After talking to her a few times and becoming more comfortable with her, he confided, “Your half-brother doesn’t like me very much.” He described Arthur’s behavior towards him.

Morgana nodded knowingly. She said, “Don’t worry about it. He’s got lots of issues. Believe me, I know. I grew up with him. He’s probably feeling threatened by you.”

Merlin was puzzled. “Why would he be threatened by me? I’m harmless.”

“He doesn’t know or accept himself,” Morgana replied.

Merlin didn’t understand that statement but decided it wasn’t worth dwelling on, so he let it go. He would just continue to avoid the prat. 

Unfortunately, that strategy didn’t work too well. Gwaine hosted a wild party on a Saturday night, complete with booze, weed and loud music. Merlin loved to dance. After smoking a little weed and drinking several beers, he was feeling pretty uninhibited. When a slow, romantic Taylor Swift song came on, he grabbed Gwaine and they started dancing, their bodies pressed close together. Gwaine started to get aroused and began grinding his body against Merlin’s. Merlin felt Gwaine’s erection against his pelvis and started getting hard too. Gwaine then pressed his lips against Merlin’s, and began exploring Merlin's mouth with his tongue. Soon the two men were French kissing deeply. When the song ended, they stood there holding each other tight for a few seconds before separating with huge grins on their faces.

Merlin wanted another beer, so he parted from Gwaine and made his way to the booze table. Arthur reached the table at the same time. He looked at Merlin without smiling and just said, “Emrys.”

Merlin thought, “Is that supposed to be a greeting?” So he responded in kind, saying only, “Pendragon.” He didn’t expect any more words between them, but he was wrong.

“You and Gwaine need to get a room,” Arthur said in a snarky tone.

“Excuse me?” Merlin replied, a wave of anger rising in him.

“The two of you dancing was a disgusting spectacle if I ever saw one,” Arthur sneered.

“Well, you shouldn’t have looked then,” Merlin huffed, “and mind your own fucking business, Pendragon.” He abruptly turned away and got as far from Arthur as he could. He was so angry he was shaking. He hated that fucking asshole.


	2. Ongoing Tension

Arthur couldn’t stop thinking about how Gwaine and Merlin were dancing at the party. He complained to Gwen about it.

“You saw them! They were practically screwing,” Arthur ranted. “It was totally disgusting. And when I said something to Emrys about it, he told me to mind my own fucking business.”

Gwen tried to reason with him. “I think you’re overreacting, Arthur. They were just having fun, enjoying each other. Do you think you were bothered because they’re both men?” 

“That didn’t help,” Arthur replied testily. “I don’t want to see them grinding against each other. Why the fuck do they have to flaunt it like that?”

Gwen shook her head. “Arthur, I think your homophobia is showing. You never complain about Morgana and Leon when they’re making out like teenagers, but you freak out when Gwaine and Merlin dance close and make out? Double standard, don’t you see?”

“Whatever,” Arthur answered sulkily. “I’m OK with Gwaine being bi, I just don’t understand him and Merlin, of all people. And what’s going on between them anyway? Are they together? Are they dating?”

“Well, you can always ask Gwaine about that,” Gwen said with a puzzled look. She really didn’t understand what bothered Arthur so much about Merlin.

*****

Merlin was tempted to talk to Gwaine about his encounter with Arthur, but he decided against it. Gwaine and Arthur were good friends, and Merlin prided himself on having good boundaries. It went against his principles to interfere in someone else’s relationship. He did, however, talk to his friend Mordred about it. Like Merlin, Mordred had recently entered the doctoral program in Clinical Psychology. The two aspiring psychologists were in the same classes this semester and had begun to strike up a friendship. Merlin and Mordred had also come out to each other. There was an attraction between them, but neither man was ready to acknowledge or act on it.

“He sounds like a real jerk,” Mordred said when Merlin told him about Arthur’s comment. “Do you think he might have been jealous? Maybe he has a thing for Gwaine.”

“I kind of doubt it,” Merlin replied. “He and Gwaine were roommates a couple of years ago. And I’m pretty sure Pendragon’s straight. I think he just hates me for some reason.” Merlin went on to say that he was considering no longer going to Friday nights at The Rising Sun or Saturday parties, but Mordred talked him out of it.

“You can’t let the asshole keep you from having a social life,” he said. Merlin knew that Mordred was right. He just made a firm resolve to stay as far away from Pendragon as possible.

*****

The next time Arthur and Gwaine got together, Arthur steered the conversation to the relationship between Gwaine and Merlin. 

“What’s going on with you two anyway?” he asked.

The question aroused Gwaine’s curiosity. “Nothing much. We’ve become pretty good friends. Why do you ask?”

Arthur raised an eyebrow. “Well, you looked like more than friends at the last party. Grinding and making out to that Taylor Swift song.”

Gwaine laughed easily. “Oh, that. If I were looking for a committed relationship, Merlin would be the one. But since I’m a confirmed bachelor, so to speak, Merlin and I have an understanding.”

Arthur frowned. “And pray tell, what is that understanding?” 

“We’re fuck buddies,” Gwaine replied, noticing how Arthur recoiled. “OK, friends with benefits, if you prefer that term. We have sex when we both feel like it, and it’s hot. We’re really compatible in the sack, and he’s got a great body. I wanted to jump his bones the first time I saw him at the LGBTQ Center.”

Arthur was visibly uncomfortable. “That’s enough Gwaine. I don’t need to know the gory details.”

“Still squeamish about man-to-man sex, huh Arthur?” Gwaine teased. “How about I give you a blow by blow description, pun intended, of the last time Merlin and I got it on?”

Arthur winced. “Please, God, no. Just shut up now, Gwaine.”

*****

About two weeks later Arthur hosted the Saturday night party. Merlin decided not to go because he knew he wouldn’t feel comfortable at Arthur’s apartment. Instead he and Mordred went to see a film, after which they stopped at a bar for a drink. The two men talked and laughed until closing, after which Merlin drove Mordred home. Before getting out of the car, Mordred leaned over and kissed Merlin on the cheek. “I had a great time tonight,” he said.

Merlin was intrigued by the kiss but decided not to pursue it right then. “I did too, Mordred. See you on Monday.”

When Monday rolled around, Merlin ran into Gwen on campus. “You didn’t come to the party on Saturday night,” she scolded in jest. “You were missed. Arthur asked Gwaine where you were, and Gwaine said he didn’t know.”

Merlin was shocked that Arthur had asked about him. “I was on a date that night.” He hadn’t actually thought of it as a date until Mordred kissed him.

“Oh!” Gwen exclaimed. “Who with? And does Gwaine know?”

“Just a guy in my doctoral program,” Merlin explained. “And no, Gwaine doesn’t know, but he won’t care. We’re just friends.”

Gwen was skeptical. “Uh huh, sure.” 

“OK,” Merlin confessed, “we're friends with benefits.”

Gwen raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t mean he won’t be jealous.”

Merlin knew Gwaine wouldn’t care a bit.

*****

After his last class, Merlin decided to swing by Gwaine’s apartment to see if he wanted to go grab a bite. Gwaine greeted Merlin warmly. “Hey, buddy, good to see you. Come on in. Arthur and I are just hanging out.”

Merlin thought to himself, “Oh, shit,” and was ready to bolt, but he knew he needed to tough it out. He wouldn’t let Pratdragon intimidate him. Walking into Gwaine’s apartment, he nodded curtly to Arthur and simply said, “Pendragon.” Arthur simply nodded back and didn’t say a word, but he kept looking at Merlin. If Gwaine noticed the tension between them, he didn’t let on.

Merlin sat down in the chair that was farthest away from Arthur, but still too close for Merlin’s comfort, and he accepted the beer that Gwaine offered. 

“So I didn’t see you at all this past weekend,” Gwaine said. “Thought for sure you’d come to the party on Saturday.”

“I had a date that night,” Merlin replied. He didn’t understand why Arthur was looking at him so intently.

“Really? What’s his name?” Gwaine asked.

“Mordred. He’s a guy in my doctoral program.” As an afterthought, Merlin added with a chuckle, “I saw Gwen earlier today, and she thought you might be jealous. I told her I didn’t think that was likely.”

Gwaine chuckled. “You know me. I’m a free spirit and not into owning people. Jealousy is a stupid emotion anyway. So did you and this Mordred guy get it on?”

“That’s a very personal question, Gwaine,” Merlin replied with a grin, “but the answer is no, not yet. And yes, I think it could happen eventually.”

“OK, so there’s interest on both sides? And is he cute?” 

Merlin smiled. “Yes to both questions Maybe I’ll bring him to the bar on Friday night, if you promise not to hit on him.”

“So, you’re calling dibs?” Gwaine teased.

“Yes, on both of you,” Merlin teased back. 

“You’re insatiable,” Gwaine said with a grin.

Merlin decided that he had toughed it out enough with Pratdragon sitting there just looking at him and not saying anything. So after finishing his beer, he stood up and said, “Well, I better get going. I just stopped by to say hello on my way home. Let’s get together soon, Gwaine.”

“I’ll text you,” Gwaine said. Merlin gave Arthur another curt nod before leaving.

*****

When Arthur saw Gwen in class the next day, they talked about Merlin’s date. Arthur brought it up. “I heard you and Merlin talked yesterday.”

“Yeah,” Gwen replied, “I teased him about not coming to your party. He said he had a date. How’d you hear that we talked?”

“I was over at Gwaine’s and Merlin stopped by. He said he ran into you. He and Gwaine talked for a while about the guy Merlin went out with. The guy’s name is Mordred.”

“And Gwaine wasn’t jealous? I was sure he would be,” Gwen said.

Arthur shook his head. “No, they laughed about that. They have the weirdest relationship, I just don’t get it. Totally casual, no strings, no commitment. Merlin even teased Gwaine about not hitting on Mordred and said he was calling dibs on both Mordred and Gwaine.” 

Gwen laughed. “That’s rich!”

“I didn’t think it was very funny,” Arthur griped. “He’s a man-whore.”

“Arthur!” Gwen scolded. “Don’t be so judgmental. Committed relationships aren’t for everyone. And it sounds like he was just joking.”

She gave Arthur a puzzled look then. “What I don’t understand is that Gwaine has slept around a lot, with guys and girls, and you’ve never called him a ‘man-whore.’ So why such a strong reaction to Merlin?”

“Don’t know,” Arthur said sulkily. “I just don’t trust the guy, I guess.”


	3. Things Start to Shift

Later that week Merlin and Gwaine got together to watch the Grateful Dead movie online. Before the movie started, Gwaine asked, “What’s up with you and Arthur?”

Merlin didn’t want to get into it, so he said, “What do you mean?”

Gwaine wasn’t buying it. “When you came over on Monday, I saw how you guys were with each other. You could cut the tension with a knife. So spill, Merlin.”

“OK,” Merlin acquiesced reluctantly. He described every interaction he had with Arthur since the day they met. He told Gwaine what happened at the party after they were dancing close and slow to the Taylor Swift song. “I told him to mind his own fucking business. I’ve been trying to avoid him since the day we met. I think he’s a complete asshole.”

Gwaine eyes widened. “Wow, that’s a strong statement, Merls. I lived with the guy for a year. I know he can be a jerk sometimes, but he’s been there for me lots of times when I needed it. I think you might change your mind if you got to know him.”

Merlin was unconvinced. “Not likely. He made it clear from the get go that he doesn’t like me. And I don’t like him, so it’s not gonna happen.”

Gwaine shrugged. “I guess I’ll just have to accept that my two best friends hate each other.”

Merlin laughed easily. “It’s not so bad, Gwaine. We’ll stay out of each other’s hair, and I don’t think either of us will make you choose between us.”

*****

The next day Gwaine tried talking to Arthur about Merlin. He started the conversation the same way he had with Merlin. “So what’s up with you and Merlin?”

“It’s obvious that guy hates me,” Arthur grumbled.

“Well, did you give him reason to?”

Arthur could read Gwaine like an open book and knew something had prompted this conversation. "What did he tell you?” 

Gwaine told Arthur how Merlin had described their past interactions.

“I guess I haven’t been very nice to him,” Arthur admitted. “I talked to my therapist Eli about him yesterday.”

Gwaine was surprised. “Really? Why’d you talk about Merlin?”

Arthur was silent for a few seconds, then said, “Because I get so mad at him and I don’t know why. I’m trying to figure that out. I told Eli about how I’ve been a jerk to Merlin ever since I first met the guy.” 

“Like when you told him that he and I needed to get a room and were a disgusting spectacle?” 

“Yeah,” Arthur replied sheepishly. “And he told me to mind my own fucking business.”

“Did that surprise you?” Gwaine persisted.

Arthur looked down at the floor. “No, I guess I was out of line.” 

“Ya think?!” Gwaine said emphatically. “So what did Eli have to say?”

Arthur was again silent for a while before responding. Eventually he said, “Eli and I talked about a couple of possibilities. One is that Merlin reminds me of someone that I’ve had problems with in the past. Another possibility is that it’s what Eli called reaction formation.”

“Reaction formation. What does that mean?” 

“It’s when you act the opposite of how you really feel because you’re rejecting or denying how you really feel,” Arthur explained.

Gwaine frowned. “Hmm, I have to think about that.” 

Arthur continued, “Eli suggested that I think more about what’s underlying my anger at Merlin. He also said that it might help to get to know Merlin for who he really is, as opposed to whatever idea of him I created in my mind. Does that make any sense to you?”

Gwaine nodded. “Kind of. It’s like when you have a first impression of someone, and it turns out to be wrong. You don’t like them at first, and then you get to know them and you become best friends. Anyway, I really recommend getting to know Merlin. He’s wicked smart and one of the nicest guys I know.”

Arthur looked thoughtful. "I’ll think about it.” 

*****

When Friday evening rolled around, Merlin went with Mordred to the Rising Sun to meet up with the friend group. They were the last to arrive. Merlin introduced Mordred to everyone at the table. He was surprised that Arthur actually smiled at Mordred and said, “Good to meet you.”

Throughout the evening people would go to the bar to buy drinks and move around the table to talk to different friends. As usual Merlin avoided Arthur, keeping as far away from him as possible. Occasionally he sensed that Arthur was looking at him, but when he turned his head to see, Arthur would look away. At one point, Merlin was talking to Gwaine and Morgana when he saw Arthur and Mordred at the other end of the table having what looked like a friendly conversation. It went on for quite some time, maybe a half hour. Merlin was curious about what they were discussing so intently.

Merlin and Mordred left the bar about an hour before closing. When they were heading to Mordred’s apartment, Merlin said, “So I saw you and Arthur had a pretty long conversation. What did you think of him?”

“He wasn’t what I expected,” Mordred said, “after what you told me. He was actually quite friendly. You didn’t tell me that he’s so good looking.”

“Yes, he’s handsome, I’ll grant you that,” Merlin admitted. “I guess I’m immune to his charms because he’s such an asshole.”

“Yeah, you keep saying that. But I thought he was nice and easy to talk to.”

“So what did you talk about?” 

Mordred grinned. “He asked me how long you and I have been dating. I didn’t know we were dating.”

Merlin flushed with embarrassment. “Yeah, Arthur had a party last Saturday and I didn’t go. My excuse was that I was on a date with you. I know it wasn’t a real date.”

Mordred could tell Merlin was embarrassed and let him off the hook. “No worries. I told him we just went out once last Saturday, but we’ve been friends since school started.”

Merlin was relieved. He would have looked like a fool, to Arthur’s delight, if Mordred had said they weren’t dating. “So what else did you talk about?” 

“School,” Mordred replied. “I talked about the Clinical Psych program, and he talked about Law School. And he asked some questions about you.”

Merlin was shocked but tried to sound casual. “Like what did he ask?”

Mordred thought for a while before responding. “He started out by saying he didn’t know you very well, and that you were Gwaine’s friend, not his. He asked where you went to school before this, and where you were from originally. Oh, and he asked what kinds of things you were into, like what your interests and hobbies were.

Merlin let out the breath he was holding. “So what did you tell him?”

Mordred laughed easily. "I told him the truth. I said that you’re originally from Alexandria, Virginia, your dad is an architect, your mom is a psychologist, and you graduated summa cum laude from William and Mary. I also told him that you received an award from the American Psychological Association for an outstanding research paper, and that you got a full ride fellowship here. I think Arthur was impressed.”

Merlin chuckled. “Wow, you laid it on thick. So he asked about my interests? What did you say I was into?”

“Hot guys like him,” Mordred teased.

“Shut up, Mordred,” Merlin huffed. “No really, what did you say?”

“Well, he knows you’re a gay Deadhead, which I think is an oxymoron,” Mordred said with a smile. “I told him that you love to travel, you’ve been all over the world, you love art museums, and you know more about art and architecture than anyone I know.”

“Sounds like you talked me up to someone I hate,” Merlin observed.

Mordred grinned. “You’re welcome.” 

Merlin remained very puzzled about why Arthur was asking questions about him. At least it sounded like Mordred said only good things. He didn’t want Arthur to have any dirt on him, apart from what he already knew.

In the following weeks Merlin and Mordred spent more time together, going out on a few “official" dates. But then Merlin told Mordred about his relationship with Gwaine, admitting that they had been fuck buddies for several months. Mordred didn’t react well. He said Merlin should have informed him right away, and he didn’t want to continue dating. Merlin felt guilty, knowing that he should have said something earlier and seeing how hurt Mordred was. He said he understood Mordred's feelings and wished they could still at least be friends. Mordred said he needed time to think about it. Merlin hoped that he had not permanently lost Mordred's friendship.

*****

One day after his morning Neuropsychology class Merlin was craving a cup of joe so he headed to Caffarella, the most popular coffee shop on campus. After grabbing his drink he found an empty booth, pulled out his laptop, and checked his email while sipping his coffee. He was staring at his screen and didn’t notice the guy approaching his booth until he heard the words, “Mind if I join you?”

Merlin was shocked when he looked up to see Arthur standing there. He registered that Arthur didn’t use either his first or last name. So he chose not to use either of Arthur’s names, but simply said, “Be my guest.” Merlin was feeling awkward and uncomfortable, not understanding why Arthur would choose to join him after their previous interactions. He didn’t know what to say, and so he waited for Arthur to speak. 

After an awkward silence, Arthur said, “I enjoyed talking to your friend Mordred at the bar a couple of weeks ago. He seems like a nice guy.”

Merlin felt uncomfortable given his last interaction with Mordred, but he simply nodded and replied, “Yes, Mordred is a nice guy.” Merlin sensed that Arthur was as uncomfortable as he was.

Another awkward silence. It was up to Arthur to break it. Merlin wouldn’t. He had become very comfortable with silence through his psychotherapy training. 

Finally Arthur steeled himself and said, “Look. I know we got off on the wrong foot. Maybe we can fix that.”

Merlin believed in being honest and direct. Although he could appreciate that it might have been difficult for Arthur to come over to his booth and extend the olive branch, he was still bothered by Arthur’s earlier behavior. So looking directly at Arthur he said, “I might be willing to try, but I’m confused by how you’ve treated me. I’ve felt a lot of hostility from you ever since we met.”

Arthur couldn’t maintain eye contact with Merlin. He looked away and took a deep breath before saying, “It wasn’t personal.” 

Merlin couldn’t accept that response and challenged Arthur. "That’s bullshit. It sure felt personal.”

Arthur took another deep breath. He hadn’t expected Merlin to be that assertive. “OK, I get that. I’m sorry for the way I acted.”

Merlin valued forgiveness, and he felt that Arthur was being sincere, but he was still confused. “I accept your apology, but I do have a couple of questions. What made you act that way, and why approach me now?”

Arthur decided to answer as honestly as he knew how. “I don’t know exactly why I acted like that. Something about you scared me, I guess, and I get angry when I’m scared. As for why now, after talking to Gwaine and Mordred, I figured you were someone I wanted to get to know.”

Merlin could tell that Arthur was making an effort. From his coursework and therapy experience he also knew a lot about transference and projection, how people can redirect uncomfortable feelings about themselves and others to an entirely different person. So even though Arthur’s explanation wasn’t particularly informative, Merlin accepted it. He then smiled at Arthur and said, “OK, let’s start off with a clean slate.” 

Then extending his hand across the table, he said, “Hi, Arthur. I’m Merlin Emrys. Pleased to meet you.” 

Arthur smiled back, obviously relieved, shook Merlin's hand and said, “Hi, Merlin. Arthur Pendragon. It’s a pleasure.”


	4. How Things Turn Out

Gwaine was delighted that his two best friends were now on speaking terms. He invited them to his apartment for a “guy’s night” to watch the latest Spider Man film. Gwaine and Merlin had agreed beforehand that they would avoid expressing any physical affection towards each other so that Arthur would not feel like a third wheel. Merlin had a really good time that evening. He enjoyed hearing Gwaine’s and Arthur’s stories about the year they lived together. He could tell that they had become extremely close during that time.

Arthur and Merlin gradually became more comfortable with each other. They started to learn more about each other’s background and personal history. They also began to recognize each other’s positive qualities. Initially Gwaine brought them together, but in time they started seeking each other out, getting together for coffee or a meal or just to chat. 

The more time Merlin spent with Arthur, the more he liked him. He started to notice little things about Arthur—how he licked his upper lip when he was nervous, how his eyes lit up and widened when he was excited, how he laughed heartily at corny jokes. And now that he and Arthur were on good terms, Merlin allowed himself to appreciate how very handsome Arthur was and how he was always impeccably dressed and groomed. 

The two men began to share more personal information with each other. Merlin told Arthur about a painful breakup he went through shortly before he met Gwaine. 

“Gwaine helped me get over the heartache,” Merlin explained. “I wasn’t ready for another relationship, but I didn’t want to be celibate. So I met Gwaine at exactly the right time.”

“Are you in love with him?” Arthur asked.

“God, no,” Merlin exclaimed. He proceeded to clarify. “I do love him as a friend. But I wouldn’t marry him, and I know he wouldn’t marry me.”

“Who would you marry?” Arthur asked.

“Someone I fell ass over tits for,” Merlin replied.

“Oh,” was all Arthur said. He wondered who Merlin would fall ass over tits for.

*****

Before long Merlin and Arthur were seeing each other almost every day. Sometimes they would meet after class for coffee at Caffarella, or for lunch at the University dining hall, or for supper at a restaurant. They started studying together too, sometimes at the library and other times at Merlin’s apartment or Arthur’s apartment. 

Arthur told Merlin about his difficult relationship with his father, who sounded like a tyrant. Merlin was incensed when he heard how Arthur’s dad treated him—constantly criticizing and berating him. Merlin did his best to comfort Arthur, telling him that he was perfect the way he was and didn’t need to change anything about himself. He tried to convince Arthur that he was smart, handsome, and talented and didn’t need to prove himself to his father. Merlin realized that he was feeling very protective of Arthur.

Gwaine noticed the change in the relationship between his two best friends. He brought it up one evening when he and Merlin were hanging out.

“You and Arthur have been spending a lot of time together lately,” Gwaine said.

“I guess so,” Merlin replied casually.

“So you like him now,” Gwaine observed.

“I do,” Merlin admitted. “I like him a lot.”

Gwaine raised an eyebrow. “That’s interesting.”

“What are you thinking but not saying, Gwaine?” 

“Just wondering if you have the hots for him.” 

Merlin blushed. “Well, he is gorgeous and amazing, but I’m not letting myself go there ‘cause he’s straight. I won’t let myself fall for a straight guy.”

“So if he weren’t straight?” 

“I’d make a move on him,” Merlin replied honestly.

Gwaine grinned. “That’s a big change from a month ago.”

“Tell me about it,” Merlin said. "I'm working hard at not being in love with him."

*****

At his next therapy session Arthur talked to his therapist Eli about Merlin again.

“We’ve become good friends over the past few weeks. I find myself looking forward to seeing him in the evening,” Arthur said.

“Tell me more,” Eli prompted.

“I feel happy when we’re together. And he’s so supportive. I told Merlin how my father treats me and the way he responded made me feel good, like he really eased the pain.”

“How did he respond?”

“He told me that I’m smart, handsome, and talented, and I shouldn’t listen to what my dad says about me.”

“Sounds like Merlin really likes you now,” Eli observed. “How do you feel about him?”

“He’s great, except. . .” Arthur’s voice trailed off.

“Except what, Arthur?”

Arthur took a while to respond. Eventually he said, “He’s having sex with Gwaine.”

“How do you feel about that?” 

“Not good.” 

“Say more about that.” 

Arthur let out the breath he was holding. “I want him to stop having sex with Gwaine.” 

“Why?”

Arthur was silent for a long time. Eli waited him out. Finally Arthur blurted out, “Because I’m fucking in love with him, OK? I’ve been in love with him for months! I tried so hard not to be. I tried to hate him. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I want him so badly.” At that point he was breathing heavily through his mouth.

“You’re in love with him,” Eli reflected gently. “And it’s been so hard for you to admit it. I’m glad you finally did. This is a big breakthrough, Arthur. You should be proud of yourself.”

“It doesn’t feel very good,” Arthur muttered.

“Loving someone is risky because you can get hurt. It sounds like it hurts that Merlin is having sex with your friend Gwaine.”

Arthur nodded, looking down.

“So what do you see as your options, Arthur?” 

Arthur thought about the question for a few moments, then said, “I want Merlin to know how I feel, but I’m scared.”

“Because you could get hurt. But not telling him is risky too. You risk losing an opportunity.”

“What do you mean?” 

“The opportunity for happiness if Merlin feels the same way you do,” Eli explained.

Arthur was deep in thought.

“What are you thinking about, Arthur?” 

“What I want to say to Merlin.” 

“Sometimes it helps to write down what you want to say,” Eli suggested.

“I might give that a try.” 

*****

When he got home after his therapy session, Arthur took out his laptop right away and started composing a letter to Merlin. He spent more than a half hour crafting what he wanted to say. When he was finally satisfied with the letter, he told himself, “I’ve been an idiot for too long. It’s now or never.” He copied the letter into an email and hit send.

He closed his eyes and thought, “Oh, shit. Now I’ve done it.” But there was no turning back. He’d have to live with the consequences, whatever they might be.

Merlin was in his apartment looking at a website, when he saw that he had a new email in his inbox. He decided to look at it. He was surprised that it was from Arthur because they usually communicated via text. His eyes widened as he read the email:

Dear Merlin,

This is so hard for me to say but I have to be honest with you. I have been in love with you for months now. I know that is hard to believe because I was so shitty to you for so long. The reason was that I couldn’t accept my feelings and I tried not to feel them. I tried to hate you, but it didn’t work. 

I’m sorry I treated you so badly. The only explanation is that I didn’t want to be in love with a man. My dad hates gay people, and I was so afraid of being gay. But because of your support and courage I don’t fear my dad’s disapproval as much as I used to.

I never told you that I have been seeing a therapist for a while now. My therapist helped me to recognize and accept my true feelings for you. He helped me see how much I love you, Merlin. You’re brilliant and handsome and kind, and I desperately want us to be together. I want to commit myself to you, and I want you to commit yourself to me forever.

The last thing I want to say is that unlike Gwaine I’m a jealous guy. It kills me to see you with another man. That’s why I was so rude to you at that party when I told you that you and Gwaine needed to get a room and were a disgusting spectacle. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I hated seeing you holding Gwaine close and making out with him. I wanted you to be doing that to me.

I hope that you can love me back, Merlin. That would make me the happiest guy in the world. But maybe that’s too much to wish for. If you don’t love me, at least we can be good friends and I’ll have to settle for that. At least you'll still be in my life.

Love, Arthur

As soon as Merlin finished reading the letter, he rushed out the door and ran the eleven blocks to Arthur’s apartment. He had never run so fast in his life. He reached Arthur’s door in record time and pounded on it. When Arthur answered the door, Merlin jumped on him, wrapping his arms and legs around him and kissed him fiercely. “I can’t believe you were in love with me all this time, you gorgeous prat,” he gasped. “Of course I’m yours forever.”

“And I’m yours forever, Merlin,” Arthur declared earnestly.

They spent the rest of the evening making sweet love, after which they talked into the wee hours, as lovers do, about their feelings for each other and plans for their future together. At one point Arthur asked what Merlin was going to do about Gwaine.

Merlin replied, “Oh, you know Gwaine. He’ll be happy for us and get over me in a New York minute. Besides I know he’s already got his eye on this guy named Percival. Percy will help Gwaine forget all about me.”

Arthur smiled and gave Merlin another passionate kiss.


End file.
